with a hey, ho, the wind & the rain

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 02:23:19 GMT

Stephen King on writer's block:

"For the first time ever, the words refused to come," said King. "I decided to break for lunch. I ate an entire ham-and-cheese sandwich and didn't get one idea. Not even a dark, disturbing image. I get three dark, disturbing images just going out on my front step to pick up the morning paper. Now, nothing. It was horrible."

I found that quote sarching for a passage about writer's block from one of his books I read a long time ago, it might be The Mist but I'm not sure. (if anyone knows what I'm talking about and could throw the passage my way or tell me where to find it online, I'd be thankful)

Being unable to express myself creatively is maddening. I'm finally starting to break free of the creative rut I've been mired in for at least a year, writing as much as possible even if it's lame.

Writer's Block: Be Prepared

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 01:57:59 GMT

We live in uncertain times. Earthquakes, hurricanes, the ever-present threat of zombies—do you have a disaster plan ready in case one of these things happens to you?

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LEARN TO SWIM

"I couldn't pick up the paper, is all."

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 02:03:43 GMT

OH MY GOD, LIFE.

Writer's Block: On Your Tombstone

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 02:39:13 GMT

What do you want written on your gravestone and why?

Submitted By sharky123

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I did it for the lulz

Thu, 29 May 2008 14:24:21 GMT

The last couple weeks of spring semester were brutal. I had to write 20+ pages worth of papers, take two 3 hour finals, and one final in the form of an interview with my philosophy teacher in which I feel I came off as really stupid. The history final went so poorly that I may fail the class. I have a tendency to start off really well then end up disappointing my teachers...I'm just relieved that it's all over and feel accomplished for showing up for all my finals and passing everything in on time for once. I really do want to get more familiar with Aristotle and straighten out my comprehension of the middle ages and renaissance, which I'm going to try to do over the summer.

I'm reading Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I got for Christmas and haven't had the time to get into until now, and it's pretty difficult. The early modern English isn't the problem--it's easier than Chaucer-- but there's a lot going on that's hard to keep up with without study guides. I've found a couple of good ones online, and I might buy or take from the library the Cambridge Companion to Spenser.

Went to see a performance of King John last week, which I enjoyed. In my opinion that's one of Shakespeare's most underrated plays.

People have been on my ass to hang out lately. I'm gonna try to get out more this summer, and be a better friend. ~~although my friends were all absent during the three worst months of my life, when I really needed it~~

I'm not even gonna pretend that I'm looking for work. I'm just not capable of it right now.

There might have been more to tell but I can't remember.

Thu, 29 May 2008 14:22:44 GMT

The last couple weeks of spring semester were brutal. I had to write 20+ pages worth of papers, take two 3 hour finals, and one final in the form of an interview with my philosophy teacher in which I feel I came off as really stupid. The history final went so poorly that I may fail the class. I have a tendency to start off really well then end up disappointing my teachers...I'm just relieved that it's all over. I really do want to get more familiar with Aristotle and straighten out my comprehension of the middle ages and rennisannce, which I'm going to try to do over the summer.

I'm reading Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I got for Christmas and haven't had the time to get into until now, and it's pretty difficult. The early modern English isn't the problem--it's easier than Chaucer-- but there's a lot going on that's hard to keep up with without study guides. I've found a couple of good ones online, and I might buy or take from the library the Cambridge Companion to Spenser.

Went to see a performance of King John last week, which I enjoyed. In my opinion that's one of Shakespeare's most underrated plays.

People have been on my ass to hang out lately. I'm gonna try to get out more this summer, and be a better friend.

I'm not even gonna pretend that I'm looking for work. I'm just not capable of it right now.

There might have been more to tell but I can't remember.

Writer's Block: Step into My Closet

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:01:19 GMT

How many pair of shoes do you have? Out of those pairs, how many do you wear more than a few times a year?

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Let's see... a pair of black doc marten boots, a pair of ratty brown shoes(these and the docs survived the fire, miraculously) a pair of black converse high-top sneakers, a pair of black and white keds, and a couple pairs of sandals, plus two pairs of slippers. I've never owned much footwear, and don't really get why so many women are obsessed with collecting shoes.

i do not know why yet i live to say this things to do

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:38:54 GMT

Alright, I finished my King Lear paper. Two weeks late, no excuse for that. I don't even care about grades this semester, so long as I don't get an F then I'm satisfied. Now I can go back to reading The Shakespeare Wars and Timon of Athens, maybe watch Hamlet tonight cause I'm in the mood for it. I'm re-thinking taking the Shakespeare course next semester because I can see this happening again. But there's so much that a scholar can point out to me, and I've waited so long to get a place in that course cause it always fills up right away. I'll most likely stick with it, it's just right now I have no confidence in myself and I'm all a-flustered because of the whirlwind of finals and papers and personal stuff I have to get through these next few weeks. When something I love becomes a chore, I become averse to it, which is probably a sign I need to grow up some. I've been attending college on and off for 5 years now and I still haven't got my shit together. I feel like I'm running the Red Queen's race.

Bear with me, I'll be in a better mood and my entries will be less crazy soon.

rambling

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:02:51 GMT

I've never been so happy to get a B (on that embarassment of a paper on de Anima) or to weigh 135lbs (that's large for me but I thought that after the past couple weeks I'd be a lot heavier. I'm neurotic and hypocritical about my weight, but i won't apologize for it)

This King Lear paper is haunting me though...I don't know what the problem is, I've read the entire play at least four times, and watched it more than that. Just hit a nasty snag and I can't bring myself to write more than the page and a half I forced out the other day. Well I'd better come up with it soon, cause it's ruining my normal Shakespeare reading and watching; I get really anxious when I pick up the anthology or any essay books and that is not cool.

At least I finished the Equus assignment on time. That play is overrated.

I really want this semester to be over. NOW.

wikid garden: i can has cyanide?
Hottfuzz1220: no loljess

sweet bonny robin is all my joy

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:12:18 GMT

One thing I like about the condo we're living in is that there are lots of robins about. I love taking pictures of them.

This is me blowing off class *waves* I've been pretty good about attending this semester, so I don't feel too bad about taking a mental health day. Spent the long weekend in Alexandria, VA with my uncle and father, and though I got fed well (too well!) and had some fun wandering around Washington DC, it wasn't very restful. Most of the time I was indoors trying to catch up on coursework and freaking out about two papers and an exam due for Tuesday. One of those papers I still haven't completed yet. A paper on King Lear, shamefully enough.

I took pictures in DC, but who in the world doesn't know what the monuments look like? The Vietnam Memorial really got to me. It nicked my heart a bit to see people walking by and giving it a quick glance over. I wanted to read every single name. I felt guilty leaving. Those names of the dead are there forever, fixed in the memory of death, day and night. It feels like returning to my life and everyday concerns is a sort of betrayal. It's like, how can you just walk away from that? I get the same feeling walking away from cemeteries.

Yesterday some seminar on Jesus co-opted the classroom, so my Aristotle class was held outside. Haven't had a class outside since middle school, so that was neat.

My uncle has hundreds of books and gave me permission to take home any that I pleased. Needless to say, I took many :) Mostly scifi and historical fiction. I've already started my summer reading with Byzantium by Stephen R. Lawhead. It's pretty good so far. It will help me stay of the damn internet and get me back in the mood for reading academic stuff. I've been spending entire days watching Doctor Who reruns and Rik Mayall&Adrian Edmondson sketches online, and lurking livejournal. So, yeah, back to my book.

happy 444th birthday

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 15:23:34 GMT

William Shakespeare♥

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 13:35:52 GMT

I've been sleeping 12+ hours each day lately and feeling ridiculously tired the other 12...not good. Going to a doctor yet again this week, and I suspect he'll inform me I'm still anemic.

Went to the Isabella Stewart Gardener Museum yesterday with Adam. It was neat. The indoor garden is beautiful, though I only got one photo of it before being sternly informed that pictures of the garden are not allowed. Personally I think it's really stupid to ban photography of flowers (the art I can understand), it's not going to ruin them. BAN CELL PHONES The rest are from around the vicinity of the museum:

the place from the outside

that's Adam

Writer's Block: Family Matters

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 15:16:14 GMT

What is your "role" in your family?

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Sister, daughter, resident crazy person and "Don't be like her" model. Bunny custodian. Housekeeper. The weird, bookish, perpetually single one.

miss these guys

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 01:14:12 GMT

8/22/67-4/5/02

2/20/*67 – 4/5/94 (thanks nietzsche

Whenever I notice people all astonished that Heath Ledger was found surrounded with drugs, I think "well at least he wasn't found decomposing with his cats eating his eyeballs, or with his head blasted"

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 11:00:12 GMT

Here are a few pictures I took at the marsh behind my condo. I only had the memory card that came with the camera so could only retain 4, but I have a new and better one now and next time there will be more:

click to make them bigger...I don't like that.. no more using LJ to insert images, shoulda just used photobucket.

</a

aw crap

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:19:08 GMT

Robert Fagles died :(
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/29/books/29fagles.html?_r=1&ref=obituaries&oref=slogin

Few will care but he's my favorite classics translator (I'm not fluent in ancient greek or latin, I mean accessibility and reccomendation/credentials-wise his stuff is top notch).

I was just flipping through my Iliad to see where Homer mentions the soul, too.

He's brilliant, I'm bummed there will be no more translations or essays coming from him.

O for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:37:36 GMT

...a Lyceum for a stage!

My medicine is giving me headaches, my indoor allergies are acting up, and I'm not even halfway done writing on De Anima for tomorrow...ugh. All that studying and pondering and neglecting my other work for that treatise over break sure did me a hell lot of good :/ I really can't handle this right now, so I'm going to take a walk with my new camera to clear my head then give it another go.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:48:22 GMT

I am emphatically not a christian, yet my professor commented that my Chaucer paper was "too dogmatic"...hey man, I was only trying to explicate the religious/moral part of what the narrator is getting at. Also I let a "right good" slip in there and he commented on the "idiom?". I definately watch too much BBC and stalk their message boards too much :P I got an A- despite the crappy condition I was in when I wrote it, so it's all good.

You know, if Bejing is so evil wouldn't it have been more profitable to bring up this sort of thing WHEN THEY WERE DECIDING WHERE TO HOLD THE OLYMPICS?? It parallels how citizens sleep through presidential campaigns and then when they wake up to see what criminal they let weasel in everyone's all GTFO. If I'm not mistaken, France, which is now threatening to boycott the games, was on the Olympic committee that ignored human rights groups and gave Bejing the go-ahead. Oh, but now China is kicking the West's collective ass on the economic & technological stage and we don't approve! I'm sure they'd be all about holding the next Olympics in Saudi Arabia.

My father ordered me a new camera and it's coming any day now. I'm excited. Can't wait to get back into photography :)

world war II, "sprechen sie deutsch?" and peptic ulcers

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 23:49:01 GMT

Had a doctor's appointment today. Only I would get into a conversation with a gastroenterologist about the Finnish War, then drama, then french/latin/german languages...Turns out history is this man's real passion, especially the 20th century. He brought up drama, asking me if I did any acting or was into theatre, and said I had the look about me of someone who was passionate about that sort of stuff. It was so random, but flattering to hear. He's not the first person to say something like that to me, strangely enough. I would love to act and/or teach, if only I could get over my horror of speaking up in front of groups.

Got to see a picture of my ulcers, which apparently from a medical perspective are "beautiful" specimens. In the gastrointestional field they call them "flowering" ulcers. Well, I can honor that even if I don't percieve it; I imagine it's a lot like the feeling I get from classic art or beautiful verse or a finely nuanced story.

sweet zombie jesus!

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 13:34:37 GMT

Happy Easter, if you're into that. I forgot today was going to be Easter Sunday until I woke up to candy and a bunny pillow at my door. Easter's like Halloween jr to my family, we don't go to church or have a big dinner but we just give each other candy. Since I bunnyspammed my LJ a few days ago, I'll spare you pictures of my easter bun today :-)

A Midsummer Night's dream is in Massachusetts this April and I'm totally going. This isn't going to be like the last time Tool came around and I bought a ticket then didn't go. I might ask my grandmother to take me. She played Puck in her girls' school performance many years ago, I think she'd enjoy it. Adam N said he'd take me, but he's not big into Shakespeare and wasn't thrilled watching Richard III when we drove down to Providence to see that, so I won't make him take me if I can get a ride from someone more enthusiastic. Other Shakespeare plays are coming up too, and I'm likewise going to be all over that.

My Aristotle teacher sent us this Orwell essay on King Lear+Tolstoy, which I find pretty neat/convinent of him. It's more relevant to my Lear reading than any deeper understanding of N. Ethics, but I can see why he'd have the class read it.

I only got through about half of what I wanted to get done this week, though I probably wanted to do too much. Got everything done that I had to, at least. Did manage to relax a little, and get out some. Classes pick up again tomorrow so today the plan is to rest, by which I mean watch documentaries and read poetry. Maybe take a walk, if I'm feeling frisky.

mini-rant

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:10:48 GMT

In case I wouldn't have updated today, this is me defying the "strike". Boycotting livejournal for one day isn't going to change anything, it's not going to cancel your paid accounts or change the crappy rules. The maintainers already know that people are unsatisfied, if they don't seem to be willing to change things then there are many other blog sites to choose from or if you have a paid account you could cancel it. This "strike" is a statement that doesn't need to be made.

"Stop the war" stickers bother me too. I see those things everywhere in Boston, and they're irritating, if you wanna be shocking then wear one in Oklahoma City or Provo; if you wanna make your voice heard then do some real activism.

Yeah that last bit was pretty random/tangential, I was gonna compare the sticker-wearing to this thing but then decided that wouldn't make enough sense., then I was like well that needs to be said too!

"I see their knavery!"

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 01:34:33 GMT

Spring is now underway, and what's the first thing I see outside this morning but a robin? Hopefully that's a good omen.

Got my tax return, so today I went into Boston and stimulated the economy like a good little capitalist. Bought books and jewelry, and it made me happy. Visited my former workplace, shot the shit. Wanted to sit by the waterfront to read and write, but it was too cold and blustery so I went to South Station terminal, reading and people-watching until my friend Adam N got off work, then we went to the Institute of Contemporary Art. It was okay. I'm not big into contemporary art, most of it seems shallow and lazy to me, but I saw two artists whose work I like: Mark Bradford and Ambreen Butt (I know, and I thought Poggi was an awkward last name). William Cordoba made some neat things too, but most of his exhibit consisted of random scribbles and notebook pages. Contributions from other artists include a rug, infomercial-quality videos, infinity mirrors like the ones in the bathroom of my first house, colorless rocks strung up like windchimes, and a giant cube made of needles. If that's art, then I want in on this moneymaking fraud. The sleek, grey spiral exit staircase was pretty at least as artistic as most of the so-called artwork there. Like I said there were a few good pieces, and the exhibits were free today, so there's no reason to bitch too much.

Watched the 1999 movie version of Midsummer Night's Dream, and overall it was extremely disappointing. Save Bottom the characters were passionless, and too many important lines were cut. I certainly expected more out of Puck. You don't escape the serpent's tongue on this one, you don't even speak your whole monologue! 15 more minutes wouldn't have killed them. I also watched Secondhand Lions and actually find it to be a really good movie.

Well, that seems to be all for now. Later

a few pictures

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:47:02 GMT

Nothing wonderous, the ones I took were all taken with my cell phone, the two non-grainy ones my father sent me. Mostly animals, plus one of me and one of my brother:

people kept bringing me rabbit plushies, I have a warren of about 15 now

military recruits' oath of commitment. Dan is the bedraggled kid in the green shirt

emmet, our Irish wolfhound

This does no justice to how beautiful that sunrise was, I was so amazed that I had to capture what I could

Vanessa and I took a random trip to the aquarium a few weeks ago. It wasn't wonderful the way I remembered it from childhood, but the animals were cute. Nothing compared to wild seals, turtles, sharks, etc; but still neat

"ohh yeah I'm fat and can let it all hang out, cause I'm cute as a button and you love it"

"whee!"

Jappas

Shadow

for old time's sake:

I can't wait for a new camera

oh mistress mine, where are you roaming?

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:11:19 GMT

str8metaledge (str8metaledge) wrote,
@ 2008-03-16 00:41:00

Jess...
You knew I was going to write this, because I told you. Why am I writing this in a journal entry, when I could have sent it to you in an IM? Two reasons: Trillian (my IM program) probably wouldn't allow me to send this to you all in one go, and I wanted to put it up where someone besides you can see it. I want everyone to know how serious I am about this, and how much you mean to me.

I love you. I truly, honestly love you. You are one of the greatest people ever to come into my life. I have come close to losing you twice now, and if no one knows the specifics of either of the situations, they don't need to. You are stunningly beautiful, fun to be around and talk to, and one of the few people I know I can trust with anything I have to say. There isn't a word or any combination of words in any language that can describe how much you mean to me; how much I light up every time I see you, and see you smile. Hugging you brings me joy beyond description, and talking to you when I'm upset about something makes my troubles vanish, if only for a brief moment. You are to me what the first rays of sunshine are to the forest after a long winter.

Even now, we're having a brief discussion of historical knowledge on IM while I'm writing this. Where else could I find a woman of such character and amazing intelligence, that I could bring up a topic from last semester's classes and incorporate it into a thoughtful discussion, knowing all the while that she wasn't missing a beat? If there is another such woman, I'm satisfied with what I already have...I don't wish to find another.

Did I ever tell you how musical your voice sounds to me? It's lovely. Do you remember when we were dating? You constantly apologized to me for your "mannerisms" as you called them. There was never a need. I love you for all that you are, quirks included. If anything, the quirks make you even more interesting. You are an absolute treasure to me, Jess. You are worth more than the most priceless work of art, or the most valuable piece of jewelry; in truth, you make things like that appear as worthless trinkets when compared to your beauty.

Is this cheesy? Yes, it is. Do I expect you to have some kind of huge positive reaction to it? No. I remember well what you told me that night when I dropped you off at your apartment, and I respect it. But know that this needed to be said. If I ever lost you, it would be as though a part of me was missing forever. To never see your gorgeous smile, hear your melodious voice, look at your perfect eyes, or even discuss random oddities with you in the early hours of the morning is a thought that I cannot bear to contemplate. It tears at me to even consider a life without you. I can't tell you how glad I am that I wore that Summer Sanitarium shirt during NEC's orientation. If I hadn't, we might never have talked, and my life wouldn't be nearly as good as it is now.

I'll say it again, Jess. I love you. Honestly and truly, I love you.

Oh, and if any of the rest of you think this is too sappy/sounds emo of me, and that I shouldn't have posted this, you can suck my dick and like it. :)

:)

catching up part 1

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 04:10:51 GMT

Hello again, livejournal. Happy Ides of March. I see that I've lost some friends, but that's understandable. My commenting record is pretty pathetic, and for the past year or two I've been in the habit of taking long sojourns from the website.

The past few months were pretty rough. Intense depression/hopelessness and flashes of unwelcome memories, stressful workload, Shadow got mauled by one of the dogs (he recovered), poor health, weight gain, realization of how lonely and fucked up I truly am that I wasn't ready to face. I feel like the worst of it is behind me now, since I've come home from the hospital. Let me tell you about that...

Like I said, I've been in pretty poor health lately mentally and physically. Over the past couple weeks the bodily bit of it had become more and more difficult to function under. Went from insomnia and anxiety to fatigue, pain and shortness of breath that got progressively worse until I couldn't walk up and down the stairs and just lay in bed all day and night, smoking out the window and watching dvd's, living off orange juice and dry cereal. Finally I made a doctor's appointment. On the day of the appointment **irony** I was in such bad shape that I went into the bathroom to change and just lied down on the ground because had no strength to dress or bathe. My father's shouting at me (he didnt know) that I'm going to be late, I tell him I can't get up and he helps me down the stairs into the kitchen. I start hyperventilating, collapse into a chair, gasp "I can't breathe my arms hurt I'm gonna throw up" puke up everything in my stomach (liters of orange juice and stomach stuff)--props to Dan for bravely cleaning up that enormous disgusting mess, btw-- and next thing I know I'm in an ambulance and people are asking me questions and shouting about my something or other declining quickly. Oxygen mask, needles, prodding, instruments, hospital bed, blank...parents, doctor, needles, "massive blood loss, we have to find where the bleeding's coming from...dehydration, she's supposed to have 40 some blood unit or other and she has 18"..."her heart"..."her heart"...blood transfusion, blank...stuff in my mouth, informed a probe is going down my throat, blank...wake up...tired..."you would have died"...parents, more blood, wheeled into another room, needles, more blood transfusions, iv liquid, etc etc stabilized. Diagnoses: 2 sizable ulcers, I'd been bleeding for a long time. The cause? I made myself sick over time, plus my anxiety/stress and shitty diet probably exacerbated it I'd guess. I had no idea I was that close though, I thought I had the flu or mono and so did my parents and the doctor at first. It's not that I was determined to hurt myself or that I wanted to die, more like "I don't give a fuck about my life, I'm gonna do what numbs me now and fuck it if it shortens my life". You might too if you felt how I felt.

So that's the exciting part: I almost bled to death internally, my heart went all wonky and nearly stopped. I'll leave out the yuckier stuff, for my dignity and your peace of mind. I ended up spending 5 days and nights in that hospital hooked up to iv's and getting a total of 6 pints of blood, which apparently is a lot. Having cold blood pumped into your veins feels weird. I know virtually nothing about medicine, although when they said something about a GI bleed I knew that was bad because I'd heard of it on Scrubs :P They didnt feed me solid food until the 5th day and obviously I wasn't allowed to smoke. I couldn't sleep either, with the loud noises and the uncomfortable position and the anxiety of missing class. It was hell. Not to mention being pricked with needles every 3 hours and needing to be pricked more times than should be necessary to find a vein half the time. I left looking like a junkie, and still have some bruises and track marks. Would have been a good opportunity to quit smoking, but no. That first cigarette after 6 days was exquisite, mmm.

You know, 12 years ago I saw my brother Dan crash through a pane glass door and bleed nearly to death? His blood still stained our wooden porch the day we moved out 4 years later...isn't that weird?

There you go. It is what it is. I feel a lot better emotionally and physically now, though still getting the rest of my strength back and school is actually going great. Reading a lot of fascinating stuff, bangin out a poem here and there when I'm not writing papers or studying. I'll share those things, and more, soon. This entry's getting rather too long.

**edit
by making myself sick, I don't mean bulimia; I'd been taking a lot of otc drugs